Ejo #172 – Oils Ain’t Oils

Everyone knows that polyunsaturated fats are healthier for you than saturated fats, right?  But hang on, how does everyone know that?  Like, where are the randomised control trial papers?  Where’s the actual evidence?  Where is the data?  Well, there is none.  Absolutely none.  It’s just accepted wisdom, and nothing more.  Seed oils (aka polyunsaturated fats) do lower cholesterol.  Absolutely they do.  There’s no denying that.  And the way they do it is via their high concentration of cholesterol-like molecules called plant sterols, which lower the cholesterol in your blood.  Winner winner, tofu dinner, right?  And if the ultimate goal were to lower your cholesterol levels, then replacing saturated fat with polyunsaturated vegetable oils would be the way to do it. 

But isn’t the real goal here to improve our health?  To live a longer, and healthier life?  As I spoke about in my ejo, Countdown For What, high cholesterol isn’t the villain it’s made out to be.  In fact, it is inversely associated with mortality in people over the age of 60.  In other words, the higher your cholesterol, the longer you’re expected to live.  And the lower your cholesterol, the quicker you’re expected to die. 

So, why on earth would you want to lower your cholesterol?  Well, you wouldn’t.  And you shouldn’t.  But, for argument’s sake, let’s say you think I’m full of shit and you do want to get (or keep) your cholesterol numbers down.  Seed oils can help you do that.  Whoop-de-doo, you know what else they can do?  Increase your risk of heart disease.  So, please take the time to think about your objective here.  Is it to lower your cholesterol, just for the arbitrary sake of it?  Or is it to have a healthy heart?  I, personally, pick Option B, but a lot of us have been fooled into thinking that high cholesterol causes heart disease, and that lowering your cholesterol helps you to avoid it.  However there isn’t a skerrick of evidence to support that hypothesis.  Not one single gold standard study has ever shown a direct cause between cholesterol and heart disease.  On the other hand, there’s plenty of evidence that consuming industrial seed oils actually does cause heart disease.  For instance, a recent meta-analysis of the Sydney Diet Heart study conducted in 1966-73 showed that the subjects who replaced the saturated fat in their diet with seed oils had a significantly higher rate of death than the control group (including from all-mortality, cardiovascular disease and coronary heart disease). 

Eww

Another study showed that “omega-6 polyunsaturated fat linoleic acid promotes oxidative stress, oxidised LDL, chronic low-grade inflammation and atherosclerosis, and is likely a major dietary culprit for causing coronary heart disease, especially when consumed in the form of industrial seed oils commonly referred to as vegetable oils”. Damning.

Yet another study, conducted in 2016, re-evaluated the data collected during the famous Minnesota Coronary Experiment and concluded that replacing butter and tallow with seed oils resulted in a 22% higher risk of death for each 30 mg/dL (0.78 mmol/L) reduction in cholesterol.  Once again, the results conclusively show that lower cholesterol equals more death.  The reason the study is so famous is that these were not the results that the scientists were looking for.  So instead of publishing them, they buried the data, hiding it in a garage where it collected dust for years. 

So, the problem with polyunsaturated fats is that they are unstable, which makes them prone to oxidation (usually occurring within days of the oil being produced).  All of those pretty, golden bottles of canola oil, soybean oil, sunflower oil, safflower oil, rice bran oil and peanut oil that you see on the supermarket shelves, with a “Heart Healthy” label slapped on them are chock-full of rancid shit.  And simply put, consuming rancid shit, i.e. oxidised oil, causes oxidative stress in your blood, which causes your blood to clot, which causes thickening and hardening of your arteries, which causes heart disease. 

Eww

So, my suggestion to you is that if you want to avoid heart disease, you might want to think about avoiding oxidative stress in your blood.  And that means avoiding things like pollution, smoking and industrial vegetable oil, which is widely used as an ingredient in most processed foods, from baby formula to salad dressing to anything that’s been deep fried. 

If we were to do a “This is Your Life” retrospective of the seed oils that we are so fanatically encouraged to shovel down our gobs, we would have to take a long trip back in time to the 1870s when William Procter, an English candle-maker, and James Gamble, an Irish soap-maker went into business together making, you guessed it, candles and soap, both of which at the time were produced using rendered pork fat.  When the price of pork fat got too expensive they started looking around for cheaper alternatives, and their enterprising gazes settled on cottonseed oil, a waste product of industrial cotton farming which had previously only been used to light lamps and lubricate industrial machinery.  It was a brilliant innovation and they started mass producing cheap bars of soap using the stuff.  Then one night, Bill and Jim obviously scored some pretty good drugs and got high as fuck, because they decided that hey man, this shit kinda looks like lard, maybe we could make a cooking oil out of it.  And thus was born Crisco, the world’s first cooking oil.  Yum, yum. 

Eww

So let’s talk about why these seed oils are commonly referred to as industrial oils.  From plant to bottle, the product goes through several synthetic chemical processes that include hydrogenation, which uses high pressure, high heat and a petroleum based solvent to ensure the oil remains liquid at room temperature.  The end product of hydrogenation is a rancid oil that needs to be deodorised to remove the bad smell, it needs to be bleached to remove the sludgy colour, and it needs to be winterised to keep it all stable and to extend its shelf life.  Then they have to inject vitamins into it, because all of the above just stripped the oil of any nutritional value it might once have had.  And then you’re supposed to eat this shit. 

Eww

And let’s not forget about the dimethylpolysiloxane, which is a silicone polymer ingredient commonly used as an anti-foaming agent in frying oil.  Oh, and it’s also used in cosmetics, industrial lubrication, caulk, shampoo, condom lubricant and Play-Doh.  So healthy. 

Just knowing how these industrial oils are produced is sufficiently gross that I don’t think I really need to talk too much about their inflammatory effects.  Or that most of them are GMO, and sprayed with glyphosate, a known carcinogen.  Or that heating seed oils produces aldehydes which actually fuck with your DNA, and are associated with the development of Alzheimer’s disease.  Or that strokes are far more common in people who have diets that are low in saturated fat.  Or that they are ridiculously high in omega-6.  I’m just going to stick with the fact that they’re not even something your body recognises as food. 

But, since I mentioned it, what is this omega-6 that people are worried about, anyway?  It’s an essential fatty acid, something that we need to consume a little bit of in our diet because our body doesn’t make it.  Humans are designed to consume omega-6 and omega-3 (found in eggs, and fatty fish like salmon and tuna) in a ratio of 1:1 in order for our bodies to function properly.  But, thanks to the proliferation of seed oils, the standard human diet has seen that ratio balloon out to as high as 20:1, with seed oils making up a whopping 10% of all calories consumed in the standard American diet.  Dr. Artemis Simopoulos, President of The Center for Genetics, Nutrition and Health, in Washington, D.C. says, “A lower ratio of omega-6/omega-3 fatty acids is desirable in reducing the risk of many of the chronic diseases in Western societies.”  And she’s right.  Consumption of omega-6 fatty acids has been shown to increase cardiovascular diseases, inflammatory diseases and autoimmune diseases. 

Oh, and cancer.  Researchers have recently observed a disturbing trend in the uptick of cancer cases, especially amongst young people, with an astonishing 79% rise in diagnoses in the last thirty years.  And they estimate that the global number of new, early-onset cancer cases will increase by another hefty 31% in the next six years.  Sadly (weirdly), the British Medical Journal thinks that the cause of this cancer trend is a diet “high in red meat and salt, and low in fruit and milk”.  So, less meat and more milk would reverse this trend?  For real?  Never mind that the average consumption of red meat is down in the last thirty years.  Never mind that the production of industrial seed oils over the same period is up.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But probably not.  Doesn’t it make sense that putting something so chemical and synthetic into your body, would do it damage? 

Kinda obvious tho?

The LA Veterans Administration Study published in 1969, was originally designed to determine whether a diet that lowers cholesterol also prevents atherosclerosis.  But what they actually found was that the group replacing animal fat with seed oils had an 82% higher chance of dying of cancer than the control group.  This result was alarmingly replicated in a number of other randomised controlled clinical trials over the years, causing the National Institutes of Health to review the data in the 1980s.  And despite the overwhelming evidence pointing to industrial seed oils as the culprit, the official conclusion from the NIH was that the mandate to lower cholesterol was of such high importance that it overrode the cancer results from the studies.  I shit you not. 

Eww

So, I have some questions.  If consuming seed oils causes all this drama, why on earth are they touted as a healthier alternative to saturated fats like butter and lard?  Well, how about $335 billion dollars?  Coz that’s the expected global market share of seed oils in 2025.  Fun fact: in 1948, Proctor & Gamble donated $1,740,000 (worth $17 million today) to the fledgling American Heart Association.  And in 1961, the AHA returned the favour by making the world’s first public health recommendation to replace animal fats with seed oils.  Ain’t capitalism grand? 

Apart from following the money trail, there is another, quite significant, reason for the widespread misconception that industrial seed oils are a healthier alternative to natural animal fat.  And his name is Walter Willett.  As head of nutrition at the Harvard T. H Chan School of Public Health from 1991 to 2017, Willett, a lifelong vegetarian, and an outspoken critic of red meat, has exerted considerable influence over the school’s curriculum, partnerships, research direction and policy advocacy. 

Eww

I think most of us would assume that an institution like Harvard University would practise scientific integrity, transparency and objectivity, right?  I mean, they have a reputation to uphold.  But when we scratch the surface we find that, over a period of decades, Harvard has continuously promoted Willett’s academic papers, despite none of his anti-meat hypotheses ever being confirmed or backed up by a single experiment. 

Critics argue that Willett’s research methodology lacks scientific rigor, heavily relying as it does on epidemiological studies, and regularly dismissing evidence that doesn’t suit his biased objective.  Furthermore, Willett’s personal beliefs, advocacy for a plant-based diet, financial ties to vegetarian-aligned groups, compromised objectivity and numerous conflicts of interest raise concerns about his undue influence, also calling into question the credibility of the Harvard School of Public Health.  Willett is known for aggressively pressuring scientific journals to retract opposing papers, as well as bullying his pro-meat peers and colleagues, further undermining the school’s academic integrity.  So when you see a headline from Harvard stating “Scientists Debunk Claims of Seed Oil Health Risks”, you now know not to take that at face value.  You now know that large corporations and large institutions do not necessarily have your best interests at heart.  You now know better. 

Eww

Yes, seed oils are convenient (they’re cheap, easy to cook with and readily available), but the rate of their consumption consistently parallels the increasing rates of chronic disease.  And if I’ve introduced even a shadow of a doubt in your mind about the risks of consuming these oils (and I hope I have), then my work here is done.  And you are welcome.

Ejo #171 – Conversations With My Mum

I love you Mum.  My awareness of you, and my awareness of the lack of you, ebbs and flows with time.  But you are always there, like the moon pulling at the tides.  So what the hell is this expansion and contraction?  One second is one second, right?  A minute is a minute.  And a year is supposed to be a year.  So, how is it possible that five years have passed since the day you died?  Five whole years??  I was 47 years old, but I can’t remember anything about being 47, except that’s how old I was when you died.  In some ways it feels like time stopped at that moment.  Except it wasn’t time at all, it was you.  You stopped.  Existing. In the present tense, anyway.  You just froze in time.  And the last message you ever sent me will always be the last message you ever sent me.

The last message.

But still, I talk to you.  As if you were here.  Or there.  Or somewhere.  Not in fully formed sentences, but more like fragmented thoughts. Like I wish, I wonder, I’m sorry, I love you.  Half-formed ideas that stick in my throat, and in my heart.  Because the second they start forming, I realise there’s nowhere for them to go.  So they abort.  They reject.  They miscarry, but still, I talk to you.  It hurts Mum.  It really fucking hurts.  But it’s OK, I let it hurt.  I want it to hurt.  Because hurting is better than not hurting.  But sometimes the pain of missing you is so bad, that I can’t help but cry.  And the crying helps, so I sob.  I crumple, and I sob my fucking heart out.  And the oxytocin floods my body and I feel a little bit better.  But the pain doesn’t actually go away.  The pain is still there, and you are still gone. 

I was clueless.  I didn’t know, I honestly didn’t know that I would experience it so painfully.  You were so unwell, and your life seemed so stripped of joy towards the end.  I had brief, guilty, cavalier thoughts that perhaps death would be a kind of blessing for you.  Fuck, I actually thought that.  I thought it might be better.  I had no idea. 

I’ve thought about you a lot over the last five years.  I’ve wondered a lot of things that I will never know because you’re no longer here to tell me.  I wonder what you would think if you saw your beautiful rings on my fingers.  The very same rings that you wore every day, and that were a part of you.  I wear them now, every day, with love and pride.  Would you think it was weird to see your rings on someone else’s fingers?  I wonder if I could have done more to make you feel important.  I wonder how you would have coped with covid. With all the lockdowns. I wonder if you knew exactly how stunning your smile was. And I wish you knew how much I love it when people tell me I look like you. I wonder what happened that day in 2012 when you left your dirty jeans in the laundry hamper in your bedroom in the house in Greece, and then just flew back home to Melbourne for the last time.  How could you know that you would never go back?  That you would never see your jeans again. Or your sister. How could you know that eleven years later I would pull your jeans out, with the worst feeling of finality that I’ve ever felt in my life? 

Sisters ♥

I wish I could hold your beautiful face in my hands and tell you how much I love every line, every wrinkle.  Every sign of a full and spirited life.  I wish I could tell you how desperately I miss you.  I wish you’d known that you were so adored that your absence has created a massive black hole in my heart.  I wish you could tell me how I’m supposed to go from a life enveloped by your love, to a life devoid of it?  Because, when you were alive, no matter where I was I was bathed in pure and unconditional love.  How do I go from that, to suddenly having it ripped away from me without any fucking warning, without any kind of preparation?  I’m still grappling with that.  I know that you never truly appreciated how important you were, and how much of an impact you had on people’s lives, but you were an extraordinary woman and you still are the most extraordinary woman I’ve ever known.  I wish I had told you that more often. I wish I’d made sure that you knew it.  That’s a regret, because I’m not sure that you did know.  I’m not sure that I did convey it well enough.  And now it’s too late.

I wonder about your collection of beautiful rocks and crystals, which I had to arm-wrestle Mary and Pieta for when the three of us went through all your things.  I had to give up some pretty good shit for the honour of claiming them as mine.  I wish I could ask you where you got them from.  Each and every one seems like it must have a story behind it.  I wish I knew what they meant to you. 

Each one a geological marvel, each one part of my mother’s story

I wish I’d spent more time with you.  I wish I’d talked to you more.  I wish I had been more affectionate.  I wish that we had listened to more music together.  I wish we’d gotten high together.  Danced together. I wish I knew the recipe for your rice pudding.  I wish I had made you laugh more.  I wish I hadn’t been so dismissive.  I wish you could hear me speaking Greek. I’m getting so good at it, and you’d be so proud of me. I’m taking online lessons with a gorgeous woman from Piraeus called Marilena, and we’ve become such good friends. Her personality reminds me so much of you.  I wonder if you knew that life is a circle.  Μακάρι να μπορούσαμε οι δυο μας να κουβεντιάσουμε στα ελληνικά.  I wish I’d bought you a better mobile phone.  I wish that neither of us had to deal with our feelings of social anxiety alone.  I wish you didn’t have to worry so much about money. I wish you’d had more joy in your life.  More than anyone I’ve ever known, you deserved more joy.  I wonder if you know where my purple dress is?  The beautiful one I made when I took up sewing after Dad died?  I can’t find it and I don’t know where it’s gone.  I’m sorry that David and I had a big fight in front of you a month before you died.  I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you told me what you wanted, and when you told me what you didn’t want.  I’m sorry I took you for granted. 

Life is a circle

I wish you’d used your mobile phone to call an ambulance when the landline wasn’t working.  I wish you’d pressed your medical alert.  I wish you’d gone to the neighbour’s house before sunrise.  I wish you’d knocked on their door and woken them up in the middle of the night.  I wish you’d bashed their door down.  I’m sorry I wasn’t there in the hospital with you, with Mary and Pieta.  I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you died.  I’m sorry I didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to you.  I wish we could have heard each other’s voices, just one more time.  I wish I could have told you that I love you.  I wish you’d known that I was there with you.  I wish you knew that you are always here with me. 

Ejo #170 – The Farm

I was recently leafing through a Condé Nast Traveller magazine and came upon a page where contributors were asked to share their favourite summer holiday memories.  As I sat on the toilet contemplating all the far-flung destinations my travels have taken me to, my head filled with countless pleasant memories created since David and I moved to Dubai fifteen years ago.  As a lot of you know, I do not like living in Dubai so much, but I do acknowledge that residing here has given me a pretty remarkable life, full of travel and adventure and the opportunity to make friends all over the world.  With a faraway look in my eye, I smiled and reminisced as I tried to settle on just one favourite sun kissed memory. 

I thought of our three pilgrimages to Burning Man and in particular that one glorious morning when my friend Marya, David and I all woke up before dawn and cycled a few miles out to the trash fence in skeleton bodysuits to watch the sun rise majestically over the playa.  Rubbing our sleepy eyes, we squinted at the champagne coloured clouds from which a dozen or so large black dots appeared to magically materialise. 

Waiting for Daft Punk’s trash fence gig to start

As we blinked incredulously at the golden light, the dots seemed to get bigger and develop brightly coloured tails.  Marya and I glanced at each other, a little alarmed.  What was happening?  Were we hallucinating?  NO!  It slowly became apparent that what we were seeing were a number of daring parachutists who had jumped out of a plane at daybreak and were now painting the sky with their rainbow coloured chutes, gracefully trailing beautiful long flags in a wondrous tapestry across the heavens.  It was such a beautiful moment and I’ll never forget it, but was it my favourite summer holiday memory? 

After searching for months I found this video of the people that we saw dropping out of the sky that morning.

I didn’t think so, but the floodgates had opened.  I remembered wiling away long hot Ibiza days drinking sangria and eating tapas, followed by misspent nights dancing to our favourite DJs.  I remembered the simple, but delicious seafood lunch served to us by the captain of a Turkish gulet we’d hired off the Turquoise Coast of Antalya.  I remembered hiking the wild and windy coastline of southern Corsica, staying in some random Moroccan billionaire’s summer home that our friends Gwen and Didou were managing for the season.  I remembered trekking through vast mountainous canyons to explore the ancient Jordanian city of Petra, and then a few days later bobbing around the Dead Sea, smearing its healing and beautifying mud all over our faces and bodies.  And I remembered countless summer days drowsily contemplating the hypnotic cicadas in a tiny ancient hamlet called Adine in Siena, Italy, one of my favourite places on earth.  Occasionally we’d summon the energy to drive into town to eat pici served with locally caught wild boar.  And afterwards we’d devour nocciola and Amarena gelato while sitting on the cobble stones of the town square, watching toddlers awkwardly chasing pigeons and teenagers awkwardly chasing each other.  Later that night David and I chased fireflies in the hamlet’s olive grove.

Late summer days in Siena’s Piazza del Campo

I remembered trips to Thailand, Malaysia, Singapore, Vietnam, Hong Kong, Japan and Taiwan.  Mostly just to eat the street food, but also to lounge around on beaches or pools or in izakayas and rooftop bars, kicking off the day-drinking with breakfast beers and seamlessly graduating to lunchtime cocktails and then bottles of wine at dinner.  I remembered evenings wandering narrow backstreet warrens looking for the perfect place for a late night meal, and somehow always finding it. 

And of course I remembered Greece and her beautiful islands, which I discovered relatively late in life.  First Mykonos, and then, in quick succession, Santorini, Milos, Sifnos, Naxos, Zakynthos, Skiathos and Kefalonia.  Distinct memories of wandering down overgrown sandy tracks to discover completely secluded beach coves, with the bluest and clearest water I’ve ever seen in my life.  Enjoying the simple but delicious food of my childhood, chased down with surprisingly good wine by the kilo.  Always followed by the obligatory afternoon siesta.  Balmy fragrant nights laden with the promise of a good time floating on the sound of a bouzouki being strummed somewhere.  Everywhere.  These are all gorgeous memories that I will keep forever.  But are they my favourite summer memories?  I realised that no, they were not.  To access those, I had to go back to Australia.  I had to go much further back in time, to my childhood.  I had to go back to the farm. 

If sheer perfection was the criteria…

When I was about 12 years old my parents went into cahoots with my aunt Dimi and uncle Alex to buy a plot of land in the Victorian countryside.  I remember being dragged around with my sisters to endless real estate inspections of properties on the Mornington Peninsula, about an hour and a half drive from Melbourne, until they eventually found the perfect one.  Lot 3, Boneo Road, Cape Schanck was a hilly ten acres of overgrown tea-tree shrubs and native grasses.  And that was it.  It was wild, it was untamed and it was magnificent.  For the next five or six years, we spent most weekends and summer holidays at the farm.  And even though it was, in no way, shape or form an actual farm, that was what we called it.    

In the beginning, we camped in tents.  Later on my Dad laid the foundation for what would come to be known as The Shed.  And of course, because it was my Dad, it wasn’t built out of wood or steel or bricks.  He built it with materials used by NASA.  And I am not even joking about that.  The stuff was basically slabs of Styrofoam enclosed in a bright green metallic casing.  The shed was four walls and a roof.  Our family of five had a tiny bedroom to sleep in, and my aunt and uncle had an even tinier one.  My Dad built us all bunk beds.  The rest of the shed was an open space kitchen, living, dining area.  The floor was a concrete slab. And that was our holiday home.  It wasn’t fancy, but it was ours. 

Our days and nights were filled with adventures, accompanied by a rotating roster of friends, children of family friends, cousins and even kids off the street.  One morning while my sisters and I were playing at the bottom of the driveway three young girls on ponies materialised in front of us and asked us if we wanted to go for a ride.  Hell yeah we wanted to go for a ride.  Other times the three of us, and whoever happened to be around at the time, would explore the property, trying so hard to get lost, going so deep into the dense tea-tree shrub that we sometimes had to fight through the thickets on our hands and knees, our arms and legs covered in bloody scratches.  We were always so disappointed when we hit the fence-line and had to retreat back to the clearing.  But that never stopped us from trying again. 

I learned how to drive on the farm, in an old unroadworthy Land Rover that needed a crank to start the engine.  The same Land Rover that we would all pile into and be jostled around on the 2.5km dirt track down to a secluded, rocky beach that was essentially our own private paradise.  I don’t remember seeing more than a handful of people in all the years we spent on that beach, and when I recently tried to find it on a map, I discovered that it still doesn’t even have a name.  If you want to find it, it’s somewhere between Gunnamatta and Fingal beaches, but good luck getting to it. 

Driving lessons on the farm, being herded by Joshua.

Oh, that beach.  It was ours!  It was ours!  We’d drive down in the morning and stay all day, carrying down platters of homemade food for a sumptuous feast sprawled on the rocks.  We’d recline for a while in the shade of a rocky overhang, and afterwards we would fish, always hooking a bounteous catch of butterfish to cook on the BBQ later that day.  Sometimes we would search for elusive abalone in the many tidal pools, and sometimes we would be lucky.  My Mum would tenderise and pickle it, and cook it up in a stir-fry with rice, the thought of which still makes my mouth water.  My sisters and I would confidently leap from rock to rock, like agile little mountain goats.  We trudged up massive sand dunes, just so that we could tumble back down them, and then do it all again.  And we dove and frolicked in our very special, swimming pool-sized rockpool for hours, exploring every single nook and underwater cranny, trying to catch the little fishies that had been washed in with the previous tide.  But they were always quicker than we were, and they were always somehow able to dart away, out of reach of our prune-fingered grasp.  This is what favourite summer holiday memories are made of. 

The rockpool.

Back at the farm we zoomed around on my uncle Alex’s three wheel motorcycle.  Oh what a thrill it was to wrap my arms around his waist as he floored it up what felt like an insurmountable summit.  The wind whipped my hair around, because it was the 1980s and helmets weren’t a thing.  I was always scared that he would rev it just a little bit too much and the two of us would flip backwards.  But facing that fear and always reaching the crest and landing those three wheels back on solid ground was an exhilarating experience that I’m fairly sure not many other 14 year old girls were lucky enough to have. 

Our hobby farm was right next door to an actual, working farm with a couple of horses and a paddock full of grazing sheep.  There were also ducks and chickens and a pigeon coop and a small corn field and a gorgeous black and white Border Collie called Joshua.  Every time we drove up the driveway to the farm, Joshua would be there waiting for us.  And apart from dinnertime and bedtime he spent every waking minute with our family.  He would even chase the Land Rover to the beach, whenever we drove down there, and he’d spend the whole day with us.  I don’t know if Farmer Murphy was aware of it or not, but Joshua was our first family dog.  We loved him and he loved us. 

My sisters and I developed a routine of knocking on the Murphys’ back door every Sunday night, collecting large hessian bags filled with stale loaves of sliced bread and heading down to the pastures to feed the sheep.  I remember the first time we did this.  We entered the enclosure and clicked the gate behind us.  It felt like every single sheep in that three acre pasture stopped what they were doing and looked up at us.  And then, the sheep started running.  A hundred sheep stampeding towards three nervous young girls holding sheep food.  I’m pretty sure we all started screaming, and I’m pretty sure I thought the three of us were going to die.  And as they approached us and the fear escalated, somehow, we started running back towards them and the killer sheep dispersed.  And we laughed and laughed, mostly as a release to the fear, but also because it was just funny.  And we started throwing slices of bread all over the place and the sheep lunged at it like ravenous wild animals.  And when we ran out of bread, the sheep just disinterestedly sauntered away.  As if nothing incredible or mind-blowing had just happened. 

The Murphy’s were really nice to us, letting us feed their sheep and steal their dog.  They sometimes even let us chase around the cute little springtime ducklings and chicks that had just hatched.  But the truth is that they probably didn’t love us being there.  We were a rowdy bunch of Greek immigrants who would often be up until the wee hours of the morning revelling and carousing and generally being festive motherfuckers!  I remember one particularly merry night, my Dad was playing guitar and Alex, taken with the spirit, grabbed a drawer from his bedroom dresser, theatrically flipping the contents on the floor and, with his leg up on a chair, started using it as a drum, rhythmically banging the shit out of it.  My Mum, inspired, grabbed a coffee jar full of rice from the kitchen to use as another instrument in this unhinged jam session, and everyone danced and sang along.  We kids watched in wonder as our normally mannerly relatives just rocked the fuck out.  The carefree exuberance and unbridled high spirits of moments like these stay with me, and fill me with joy decades later.  These are what favourite summer holiday memories are made of. 

Sometimes the singalongs came at the end of the night.  Sometimes they were the opening act.  Depending on the tides, sometimes my sisters and I would be woken up at one or two in the morning and then we’d all drive down to the Fingal Beach hiking trails.  A dozen of us carting buckets, torches and gardening gloves, we traipsed down the steep, sandy steps to the rocky beach below to catch crabs.  As the tides started going out, the crabs would emerge from the rockpools in search of food and we would be there to grab them.  We were young kids running around in the middle of the night in gum boots on jagged rocks catching crabs as the tide went out into an inky black, and sometimes wild, roaring sea.  Hell yeah! 

The cliff path might have felt like a thousand steps going down, but it felt like a million steps climbing back up with buckets full of salivating crabs.  We’d drive back to the shed, put a huge pot of water on the stove to boil and enjoy a glorious supper of the most ridiculously tasty, freshly caught seafood bonanza you could ever imagine.  The memory of cracking open a thick leg to pull out delicious, tender, meaty morsels of crab at 3 o’clock in the morning, bleary eyed and surrounded by my loved ones has to be one of my favourite summer holiday memories in a life filled with them. 

I spent those years on the farm being a free and feral child, living a wild and precious life.  Whenever David and I go back home to visit Australia, my sisters and I always make sure to get together at Fingal Picnic Area where we used to barbeque the butterfish that we caught on our private beach all those years ago.  We gather now to reminisce about those good old days, and to pay our respects and to honour the memory of the wonderful childhood our parents gave us. 

My Mum, my sisters, fourteen year old me and a family friend at the Fingal BBQ

We were there just a few days ago and on our drive to the picnic area, I asked to stop off at Lot 3, Boneo Road.  A gorgeous new house has since been built on the highest point of the property, but the old shed is still there.  A little nervously, we walked (trespassed?) up the driveway to the shed which is now being used as a garden shed.  The exterior has been painted black, but inside it’s still bright green.  The old grape trellis my father built is in total disrepair, and the garden my Mum cultivated is a riot of wild grape vines, passionfruit plants and lemon trees.  But, most notably, nature has fiercely taken back what was once hers.  The natural world that we constantly had to fight off to build the shed, and to live in the shed during our summer holidays, has won the battle.  Mother Nature, biding her time, grew back with a vengeance, surrounding the shed, enveloping it and ultimately reclaiming her space.  My Mum and Dad are gone.  Alex is gone.  One day Mary, Pieta, Dimi and I will be gone, and every single memory of those summer days down at the farm will be gone.  But as we stood there the other day, looking at this familiar, cubic building that somehow seems to have become part of the landscape of what used to be the farm, I found that there was something really beautiful about that.  The farm now belongs to someone else.  The shed, still standing nearly 40 years after my Dad built it, belongs to someone else.  And yet somehow it still all belongs to us.  It will always belong to us. 

The top of the shed felt like the top of the world.